dictation guidelines

Humorous dictation guidelines

If you're new to dictation, these (tongue-in-check) dictation guidelines will help you become a master dictator!

Adherence to these guidelines will assure the highest quality transcribed letters in the shortest amount of time.

At the beginning of the dictation, take as deep a breath as you possibly can. Now, try to dictate the entire tape before you have to inhale again.

When dictating a particularly difficult word or phrase, please turn your head and speak directly into your armpit.

We charge per character, including periods. An effective way to cut your cost is to dictate your entire letter as one sentence.

It is not necessary to repeat the same sentence multiple times in the same dictation.

If you have to sneeze or cough suddenly, please remove your head from your armpit and sneeze or cough directly into the microphone.

If you must eat while you dictate, please stay away from foods such as marshmallows, bananas, and pudding. Apples, pretzels, and celery are much better choices. And please ensure you ALWAYS speak with your mouth full. In case you are not able to get any of the aforementioned foods, please ensure you have a stick of chewing gum or boiled lollies handy for each dictation.

Please do not stop dictating when you yawn, it throws off our rhythm.

If the client's name is Alan Ratzlaffenhasenphepherzinsky, please have the courtesy to spell "Alan" - there are several possible spellings, you know. For the last name, simply state "the usual spelling".

It is not necessary to repeat the same sentence multiple times in the same dictation.

Do not stop dictating in the event of minor background noise such as an office party, the janitor's vacuum cleaner, a screaming infant, etc Again, it throws off our rhythm.

Be sure to place the emphasis on the CORrect syllable, especially if enGLISH is your SECond lanGUAGE.

Talk as fast as you can. Fair's fair; after all we type as fast as we can.

It is not necessary to repeat the same sentence multiple times in the same dictation.

Please speak as quietly as you can ... we want to be able to hear what's going on around you.

If you need to pause for 5 or 10 minutes between words or phrases, pounding the receiver on the desk or repeatedly saying, "still dictating ... still dictating ... still dictating ... still dictating ..." reminds us that indeed, you are still dictating.

Just because you need to use the restroom is no reason to stop dictating. Time is money.

Do not dictate so loudly that you disrupt your fellow lawyers' football game in the Barrister's Lounge. In fact, you really should whisper all of your dictation since the information is confidential.

Similarly, if you are going to watch TV while dictating at home, please watch a war movie with lots of bombing, and be sure to have the volume high enough so everybody in your living room can hear above your talking.

If you need to correct yourself - sorry, correct an error, please do not rewind the tape - sorry, do not back up and record over the error - sorry, wait, the mistake - just continue with the sentence - wait - go back with the paragraph and fix the error - er, the mistake. Please go back and just delete that last guideline.

When dictating on your cell phone from your car, be sure to go through as many tunnels as possible. This will ensure confidentiality of the information.

You (y-o-u) do not need (n-e-e-d) to spell (s-p-e-l-l) obvious words (w-o-r-d-s) for us (u-s). It is our job (j-o-b) to know (k-n-o-w) how to (t-o) spell words that (t-h-a-t) we learned (l-e-a-r-n-e-d) in third (t-h-i-r-d) grade (g-r-a-d-e).

One last thing, it is not necessary to repeat the same sentence multiple times in the same dictation.

These humorous dictation guidelines were found on the Executive Stress Office Support newsletter.

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